Relationships after TBI: Tips for Family and Friends

Do you have a family member or friend recovering from a traumatic brain injury (TBI)? Do you feel a strain on your relationship? Do they seem like a different person? Are you wondering what you can do to help? If so, that is extremely normal after a TBI.

After my TBI, the people around me were all too willing to help. I felt like everyone wanted me to get better quickly (especially me). The problem was, I didn’t know what I needed, and I especially didn’t know how to articulate it. So here are some suggestions based on my experience.

We’re going to start with what a TBI is, then we’ll jump into somethings you can do.

You probably know that our brain cells communicate with each other through connections called synapses. When we experience a TBI (or any brain injury for that matter), it jostles our brain and those cells and synapses are changed, interrupted, or altogether destroyed. How those changes manifest themselves depend on what section of the brain is affected and how badly it was affected.

Because our brain controls everything about us (personality, impulse control, cognitive abilities, relationships, physical control, physical, emotional, and mental stamina, our senses, etc), any damage usually affects everything else to some extent or another.

So when you observe that your relationship has changed, or that your friend or family member seems like a different person, you’re right. Their brain has changed, which means from their perspective, so has everything else.

There are several main types of relationships with a TBI survivor:

1. Caregiver
2. Spouse
3. Immediate family
4. Other family members & friends

Caregiver

Many times the caregiver is also the spouse or an immediate family member. My heart goes out to you, and you have my deepest respect for the work you do. You are in the trenches with your loved one. You see their struggles and support them.

As you deal with the day to day reality of what’s going on, it can seem like a long road. And you may even get irritated that the progress isn’t going faster.

What can you do?

• First and foremost, take care of yourself! It’s wonderful that you want to be there for your loved one, but you will become burned out if you do not replenish yourself. Take care of your body with adequate rest, a good diet, and some kind of physical activity. Make good use of any spare time you can find and do something that re-energizes you. Trade off with your spouse or other family member, so you can get away as occasion permits. By renewing yourself, you’ll be able to give your best efforts to your recovering loved one.
• As he’s trying different treatments and strategies, ask sincerely “how’s that working for you?”  If something isn’t working very well, encourage him to make a change to find something (or someone, in the case of doctors) that they like better.
• Be social. Find a good support group. There are online groups as well as in person ones. Find what works for your situation.

Spouses

I feel so bad for the spouses of TBI survivors. The person you have built your life with has gone through a devastating life change. In many cases, their personality has changed. They can be more irritable and angry than they were before. The ability to sympathize and empathize might not be there anymore. The ability to perceive and express emotion might have been affected. And you watch them struggle with things that were second nature before their injury.

What can you do?

• Listen without judging. If your spouse talks about not feeling like himself, being frustrated that he can’t do or remember something, or being So. Darn. Tired. Just listen. His brain is healing. The injury affects the synapses and the brain is literally re-wiring itself.
• Remind him often of that he/she is healing. This especially applies if your spouse is a go getter and doesn’t like being laid up.
• Let him/her know when you see improvement. Make it a big deal. When an improvement happens, it means a synapse was repaired or a new one was created.
• Do things that bring you closer together. Was there a special meal or a special place that means something to the both of you?

Other Family Members & Friends

You have so much power to make a difference here! Even though you’re close to the TBI survivor, you’re far enough away to provide some perspective. You’re not the caregiver who’s in the trenches 24/7, so you don’t have as much risk of becoming burned out. The energy that you can offer to the Caregiver, the Spouse, and the TBI survivor can mean a great deal.

Here are some things you can do:

• If you are capable, offer to spend time with the TBI survivor, so the caregiver and/or spouse can get away for a few hours. That will give the caregiver and the survivor a break from each other. When the caregiver returns, they’ll be refreshed and able to continue the work of caring for the survivor. The survivor will also enjoy a break from the day-to-day monotonous long work of recovery.
• Listen without judgement. Check out what I wrote above for the spouses. Your time and attention to this part is meaningful. Whereas a spouse might be obligated, you’re there 100% because you want to be. If you can be patient and let your friend, the TBI survivor,  complain, vent, and process what he/she is going through, it can help him/her with the emotional part of the recovery.
• Check in with the caregiver from time to time to offer encouragement. See if there is anything the survivor needs help with. See if there is anything the survivor is having a particularly hard time accepting about their situation. If your relationship with the survivor allows, you can be another level of help for them.

Lastly, a general note to everyone: Don’t ask things like “how long will your recovery take?” Or “when will you be 100%”. Believe me if we knew, we would tell you. The truth is there is no answer. I know a guy who had a serious TBI 25 years ago and still has major challenges. I know another guy who had a TBI 18 months ago and couldn’t walk or talk. Right now, he’s engaged to be married in December. He plays basketball regularly and will finish his associates degree next spring. Be patient. Be understanding. Walk alongside your family member or friend encouragingly.

Being aware of the changing needs in a relationship after TBI can greatly help the TBI survivor and the people around him. I hope this gives you some understanding of those needs and some ideas to adapt. Leave a comment below if you have a question about something I didn’t address.

If you found this information useful you can sign up here to get get ideas and support to help with your recovery from TBI. Starting tomorrow, you will receive my 4 part email series where I cover several techniques to help you (or your loved one) with the TBI recovery journey.