One of the challenges we face is respecting our limits after traumatic brain injury.
I’ve lived with mine for so long, they have integrated into my life, and I rarely give them a second thought. Until last night
I found my limit. My breaking point. I went until I could no more, and I had to give up. It’s taken awhile.
The effects of my brain injury were extremely frustrating in the first two years after my injury. Gradually, I learned how to play to my strengths and minimize my dependence on my weaknesses.
During those early days, and afterward, I have been incredibly fortunate. I can work in the same profession I did before my injury. I have had the mental and cognitive bandwidth to work on developing a part time (soon to be full time) side hustle. I’ve gotten married, had one child (my wife did, but you know what I mean), and we have one on the way.
To maintain control and be mentally healthy, I check in on myself often and have a list of tactics to use when I get stressed and overwhelmed.
I’m no stranger to stress. In some professional situations, I actually enjoy crunch time. I like the pressure, the “take the winning shot” opportunity, and the chance to “make it happen.”
As I write this, I’m on an emergency flight back to Los Angeles to have an early morning meeting with an Los Angeles city building official at the request of the Vice President one of my company’s main clients. I expected this to happen, so I put in some time Friday afternoon to make sure I had all the details and was ready to “make it happen.”
I’m confident that the meeting will go well. Things will smooth out. The city will get what they want, and so will my company’s client.
You might be tempted to think this article’s title is related to what I’m about to face this week. Nope. I’m actually looking forward to it.
Pushing My Limits
My limit, my near breaking point is much more benign. It’s this:
And this:
And this:
Yep, we moved. But we’ve moved before, and I’ve been fine.
However, this move is different.
- It’s farther (California to Utah)
- We left much later than expected and arrived much later than expected. That meant staying up late to unload the truck. AKA, very little sleep last night
- It involves a change in employment
- After moving my family, I’m headed back to California for a few weeks to finish some work obligations
- While I had planned on going back to California anyway, I was planning to have a few days in Utah to help my wife set up the house (the big things at least) before having to go back. Alas, as I mentioned, I’ve been summoned back after less than 24 hours
- The chaos of a box-filled, cluttered, disorganized home. My wife would laugh hysterically if she read this. Because in our relationship, I’m the messy one
Breaking Down
These factors created the perfect storm. Last night, I caught myself being unusually snippy and sarcastic with my wife. I apologized before we went to bed, and explained that I didn’t know what was going on.
Then, again this morning, I started back in. It seemed that everything she said set me off.
Finally, I thought about comments I’ve seen in many brain Injury FB groups, and began thinking that I had hit my limit.
My brain could not take it anymore, so it lashed out at anything or anyone that took too much brain power.
Some other ways my brain injury manifested itself this weekend:
- Pleading with my wife to not talk to me anymore because I could not take it. I could not take another request another “move this over there”, another “have you seen such and such”
- At one point I realized that I could not speak Spanish anymore. My wife is from Peru, and we speak Spanish at home, with the long term goal of helping our kids be bilingual. For a few hours this afternoon, I stopped speaking Spanish. It helped me calm down a little and improved my communication with my wife. Although, I do think she wondered why I wasn’t speaking Spanish.
Neuro fatigue with a brain injury is a real thing. And it shows up for different people in different ways at different times. There are things that I know wear me down, and I actively try to manage them with breaks, routines, etc.
But I never saw the effects of this move coming. It caught me (and my poor wife) totally off guard. It cut right through all of the support strategies I’ve put in place over the years and drained me like nothing I’ve felt since the early days of my recovery.
Back to Today
What you’ve read to this point was written on a plane ride from Utah to California on September 15, 2018. Now back to the present (October 2, 2018)
My meeting in LA went well. I received several appreciative emails from my company’s client thanking me for working things out and avoiding a possible disaster.
I’m back in Utah now helping my wife to finish unpacking and organizing our new place. My daughter is head over heels happy to see me, and she want’s me to roughhouse and read to her every chance she can. I’m all too happy to oblige.
This experience has given me a whole new attitude of respect and humility for the limitations of my brain injury
- No matter how prepared I am and how many strategies I have for managing my limitations, there will always be the possibility that a new experience will present unexpected challenges
- I want to be grateful for all the good days I have, and give myself some grace and forgiveness when I have a bad one
- I want to come up with a way (maybe a special word), so I can succinctly communicate to my wife that I am at “Battery 0%”, if it happens again. That in itself will require a good conversation about my limitations and the reality of my injury. Life usually goes on for my wife and I without thinking about my injury too much (except for my somewhat poor memory). But there is always the possibility of something triggering a stronger response than usual, and we need to be ready to deal with it.
If you enjoyed this article you can sign up here to get get ideas and support to help with your recovery from TBI. Starting tomorrow, you will receive my 4 part email series where I cover several techniques to help you (or your loved one) with the TBI recovery journey.
Hey Marc
Managing your limits with a brain injury can be tough going. I know there’s times when your strategies help you cope and times where you just don’t want to have to cope. Great that you recognised what was going on and that your wife is understanding. I really like the idea of a code word.
Congrats on your move and good luck in your new home. We moved a few months ago too although stayed with friends for the weekend because I wouldn’t have been able to cope with the move.
Good to hear from you Anne. I agree there are days that you just want to abandon your strategies. Things have gotten easier for me the farther along I get in my journey. I think part of it is that the strategies become normal, and automatic.
Not a fun road, but a necessary one. And respecting it over time allows for other good things to happen.
I’m still recovering from a TBI that was initially missed, when I nearly died In a head on car accident in Utah, caused by a young man with mental issues & severe road rage.
I wish someone at the hospital would have told me I would need therapy for ptsd & the trauma I experienced, while being chased at 90MPH by a 22 year old, then going Airborne across I-15 around Payson, Utah. Ultimately hitting a utility van head on. At the time, there were no guardrails or median in that area, there are today, because I expressed to my local DOT that they would save more lives by installing one.
I didn’t understand why I was mentally exhausted & so on edge all the time, I was easily irritated, my anger was almost tangible & I felt as if I were someone else, living inside someone else’s brain.
I used to wish I had tangible evidence of my struggles, because a cast on a broken leg gets people to see you’re hurt, however, a silent illness seems to make people want to tell you to “buck up”, to “stay strong”, or, as my first husband said – “just get over it”.
I felt I was weak because I was forgetting daily normal things, like making my kids lunches for school, being on time for school pickup. I would consistently forget what time my girls got out & when I would need to pick them up.
I couldn’t keep my temper in check, I once got angry, somewhere around month 6, post accident, with a young man who was impatient & got on the left side of a line of cars at an intersection & drove up the sidewalk, hitting my mirror.
I got out of my car at one of the busiest intersections & walked up to the young man & his large pick up truck. I couldn’t reach the window without standing on his running boards. So I reached into his car window & grabbed him by the collar, (he was easily 6ft tall). I managed to pull him partway through his window, screaming at him, that he could have killed my babies. I was scaring him so badly he said, “ma’am, I’m so very sorry, please don’t hurt me”. Which to me, looking back, strikes me as funny because I’m 5’3 on a good day & definitely not someone who usually fights others.
When I returned to my vehicle, my girls were in tears, they thought mommy was going to get hurt, which I very well could have. My anger was so intense it made me shiver inside with rage. Everyone who knew me, saw a shift in my personality but nobody put two & two together, including my family dr.
It’s been 14 years since the accident, we went to trial, the young man was punished, getting 3 felony charges & time in prison, which made me feel sorry for him. After all, he was only 22 years old & would spend his formative years learning how to fend for himself in jail.
That experience destroyed my marriage, it destroyed some of my other relationships & changed the way my body moved & worked forever. I’m full of hardware, my hips, pelvis, tibias, left femur, tailbone & sacrum are now all metal, I struggle with severe arthritis & daily pain is still very much something I’ve learned to try & work & live around.
However, now, I walk without looking like Frankenstein, (my orthopedic surgeon said that one 😂), he & an amazing PT team changed my life for the better. Not only can I walk properly, (I do have some remaining balance issues),but I can run, (currently training for a half marathon), I can walk, I can pick up my grandchildren & I don’t look injured unless I show you the scars & battle wounds that were inflicted on my body.
I’m not a couch potato, that’s the worst thing anyone who has been injured can do. If I don’t move as much, I’m in more pain, so being a mover & shaker has made life somewhat less painful. I’m like a weather barometer, probably more accurate than our local meteorologists & the intense pain rain, snow & ice cause are uncomfortable but temporary.
I don’t take opiates, I refuse to live on a heavy medication regimen. I did take them for years & now take an opiate agonist. It’s been a blessing because instead of being loopy & distant, slurring my speech, nodding out, missing hours & days of my life from the fog of drugs I was on, I now function with a clear head.
I went from morphine to dilaudid then finally, when my tolerance was so high, I was put on the most evil drug of all, which were fentanyl patches. I decided, after realizing I was at the highest point of medication, that I was no longer going to be a slave to the meds & asked for an alternative. I’m glad I did because I would not have made it this far.
TBI is something that is a struggle daily for me, still. I did EMDR therapy, (highly recommend that for PTSD), as well as cognitive behavioral therapy, both of which have helped propel me to a better life in more ways than I expected & I’m so very grateful.
Be kind to yourself, realize you need time to heal. I know most of us with a TBI are never quite the same as before, but we can regain dignity & our sense of self back with ongoing therapy & continued friend & family support. I I I believe I can live a healthy & stable life now, which I would never have thought possible 5 years ago.
Never stop fighting. I promise, the fog gets easier to see through, that light at the end of the proverbial tunnel you feel you won’t reach will be there for you too. Push yourself hard & don’t live with limitations, try things that scare you, try to not get complacent or feel the “woe is me” adage too often.
It’s entirely possible to have a great, if not better life, post TBI. My heart goes out to all of us who have to navigate life with brains that have been beaten up, shaken or hit extremely hard. But it’s still life & it’s there to be lived well. You deserve nothing less.
Hi Jayne,
I was Marc’s coach a few years ago and for some reason, I still get random comments from his blog.
I don’t *think* Marc is still coaching, but I might be wrong and I hope I am because he’s a great guy and a good coach.
In any case, I just wanted to say your story was very powerful and moving and I applaud your spirit and determination. I broke my collar bone 3 weeks ago and I’d have happily taken opiates if the UK NHS had offered me some, so kudos to you!
And don’t worry, I’m not looking for work, I’m a marketing coach!
Thanks for writing down and sharing your story Marc 👍🏽 I am almost 18 years out from my TBI and ninth and last concussion. I have always been a roughhouser! I am always looking for down to earth resources to explain what the long-haul really looks like to service members, veterans, caregivers and others that I work with. My code word – CACTUS Best wishes for your continue journey from us at Waypoint Ranch in Carrollton GA
Hi Stephanie! Thank you to your husband for his service, and thank you to you for being a military wife. Both roles require a great sacrifice. Thanks so much for reaching out! I looked at your site and it looks like you guys have a great mission. Thank you for what you do to help veterans and their families! Let me know if there’s something I can do to help.
Also, you might want to check out the TBI Warrior Foundation (also here on Twitter). It’s run by Roxana Delgado and her husband, who served in the military. They are also doing great work to help veterans.
Thanks for all you do. Stay in touch!
I ask myself what would happen if while at the 0% mark what would happen if a life and death situation occurred .. would there be a reserve .. could I make it work to save a life .. this scares me a bit … George Glavas
https://shorturl.fm/FTX8E